One Mans Week at the Gym

I hope your day is going well.  Usually in these posts I send out a helpful article of some sort but this amusing story caught my eye so I figured I’d break up the seriousness and share it with you.  It seems to embody many peoples fears (and some peoples actual experiences) of beginning an exercise program, especially with a trainer.  Have a good chuckle with it.

Dear Diary: For my sixty-fifth birthday this year, my lovely wife purchased a week of personal training at the local gym for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.I called the gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Melissa, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and a model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The gym encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Melissa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that my pulse was so fast. I attribute it to standing next to her in her yoga pants. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Melissa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Melissa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air–then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Melissa’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a scooter in the gym’s parking lot.

Melissa was impatient with me insisting that my screams bothered other gym members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Melissa put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Melissa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stupid things too.

THURSDAY: Melissa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Melissa took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate Melissa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Melissa wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich! The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a pilates instructor. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer…

SATURDAY: Melissa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to throw the answering machine into the wall. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Have a great day!

Chris